I Am Nothing…

I am nothing…

This. This is my lie.

The lie I have allowed myself to continue to believe and the lie I continually speak over myself.

In all the things I have been through in my life, when I look at it as a whole, I have always seen that I am the common factor. I am the thing that doesn’t deviate from every point of trauma, rejection, loss…

Me.

And I find myself hearing this mantra over and over when the darkness starts to feel heavy. When I find myself filled with regrets or wishing I had done just one thing different. Or start to feel that I am not enough.

I think that when we struggle with rejection and when we start to REALLY dig into healing we open ourselves to be vulnerable to lies. Because healing is HARD.

Whenwe start to accept who we are in Him.

When we begin to shed the trauma and lies.

The darkness sees the light in us and starts to attack because the enemy wants us crippled.

Filled with shame.

Filled with DOUBT.

Feeling like we are not qualified to walk in the truth of who we are.

And I know when I find myself in that chokehold, I feel powerless to get out.

And that is the thing,

I am powerless in my own strength. I am defeated in my own strength. I am drowning in my own feelings and emotions and as long as I continue to allow myself to believe the lies spoke over me…the lies I speak over myself, I will continue to be stuck in this cycle of pain and trauma.

I don’t want to be stuck anymore.

I can no longer believe the lies because they are killing every sense of self I have…and for some reason that seems so much easier said than done. I have been running away from myself for so long, I don’t know how to run towards myself.

You may read that and say what sense does that make, but the truth is…it makes perfect sense, Running into the pain because it has become so familiar…living in flight or fight has almost become painfully comfortable.

And that is sad, No one should be comfortable in a cycle that keeps them in a box that tells them they are nothing.

But to run towards myself, means walking into the wasteland and finding the pieces of me that were left behind in the chaos of life. Finding them…healing them and picking up the truth of who I really am and walking towards freedom.

I want my story to be…once, I thought I was nothing, but now….