And the Lessons Continue…
The process of healing and growing is the hardest journey I have ever been on, Overcoming the past traumas to break patterns for my future and those that come after me is not just exhausting, but it is also overwhelming.
Because the truth it, in the middle of trying to heal, life still happens. Things still come up, bad news rips you apart, moments of joy are still present…and in the middle of it all, there is this weight of needing to let go of the things that have hurt you, broke you, changed you…
It is so easy to fill up our life with things to do, to be overwhelmed by choice, to just keep going because that is almost easier than the hard work. The truth is, it isn’t easier. The weight of the things that you need to heal from never stops being a weight and the day to day things turn into feeling like something you don’t want because the weight of the healing is what is actually the problem.
So you push through. And then the day comes that you look around and realize that filling up your life with everything else has just turned into an idol of busyness. You have made yourself not be the priority. You have made your healing not be the focus. And let’s not get it twisted. Many of the things I choose to fill my life up bring me joy…give me moments of happiness that I put in the box of memories that I never want to lose.
But if I don’t stay true to my own growth, to my own healing, to my own needs…I stand in the wreckage and destruction by my own volition. And this is not healthy. It is not what God wants for me or the generations that come after me and most of all, it keeps me from the calling on my life. It keeps me lost in the confusion the enemy loves me to be in.
It keeps me unhealthy.
It keeps me broken.
I was reminded this morning, as I read, that I can’t fill the fear of healing with busyness. And yes, there is a fear, When you have lived in something so long, healthy or not, it becomes comfortable. It oddly becomes a weird version of easy because it is what is “familiar”.
I don’t want to be familiar. I want to be free. I don’t want to be busy for the sake of avoidance, I want to be busy because it brings me happiness and it fulfills the things that are actually for me.
I want to be whole and for generational traumas and habits to be broken right here, with me.
This isn’t the first time this lesson has shown itself, but it is the first time it has sat with me differently.
