In A Season That Has Been My Undoing

It is crazy when I look back at when I sat here and wrote my last blog. I really thought I was in a place that I could put my heart to paper so many times.

To realize that you aren’t when writing is so cathartic, is hard. To know that my circumstances had me cloaked in fear and shame that I couldn’t even do something that felt natural.

I sometimes feel so intense in my season that I can hardly believe how long I have been in it. Life circumstances have a way of pulling you in a thousand directions. Directions that seem to make sense in a moment but then a roadblock slams right down in front of you and you realize the detour is not at all what you want it to be or thought.

I have spent months wrestling with myself and with God.  The circumstances that surround me have pushed me in the middle of a hurricane. One that pushes the past in your face and requires you to really dig deep into your own healing. To know that decisions and emotions are coming from the here and the now, not from trauma and triggers.

It is both exhausting and terrifying.

I have spent so many hours lamenting. Frustrated, scared, angry, devastated, unsure and offended.

Yes, offended. Because even if nothing makes sense and many people would really take pause with the emotions I display to Him, they are the truth and they are real.

It is hard to look around you and feel like you are doing all the things that make sense and to have nothing coming back make any.

I felt and sometimes still feel gutted. You spend your whole life wanting those around you to be more than you were…are and sometimes the opposite happens and you find yourself just lost.

All the emotions, the trauma, the stress just drowning you in offense and hopelessness. You don’t know who you are anymore. You don’t know where to actually start a way forward. So I just sat down in the mess and allowed it to consume me.

I needed to feel it all, but as it consumed, I got more lost in how to move forward, how to pick a path, how to drown out all of the noise…to trust my instincts again.

So I sat and I begged all of the noise to be quiet enough to just hear…so here I am.

Moving from sitting to starting to stand.