When the New Year Doesn’t Feel New…

Not so happy new year.

 I know, what a way to start a blog, but to be so for real, it doesn’t feel new.

The bleeding of one year into the next is not any way I think anyone wants to start new.  It doesn’t mean that hopes and dreams aren’t there.  That you aren’t setting goals and starting new and productive habits.

For me, it meant I woke up and things that were in the last season are still here in this one and truthfully I was not opposed to having a movie moment where I woke up and Aaron was miraculously healed, the stresses of all that came with his accident were magically gone and I mentally felt incredible.

I am only human.  A broken, struggling human.  One who knows that God is good and has a plan.  One that has spent hours in prayer and lamenting with Him.  One that has sought His Word and knows answers will come…but one who is deeply torn in what to do in the middle of it all and is thankful that I can open the Psalms and know that I am not alone.

I desperately want to see the path start opening with a sunrise that promises the light is at the end of the tunnel.  And don’t misunderstand me, I know He is Light.  I know all the “things”.  I am in a devotional that is focused on His light…started a studying through the fruits of the spirit, beginning with faithfulness…I have the playlist.  I know all the platitudes.  I am in it with Him, and I know He is in it with me. 

But I am still here. Daily tears…depression on the brink of kicking me all the way down and a heart that is hurting. And one thing I have learned, is in speaking the absolute truth, the enemy cannot shame me, guilt me and coerce me into a complete spiral because there is nothing in the dark.

I share because there is nothing harder than feeling alone when the season you are in seems never-ending, when you feel like you must smile and be positive and say all the right things so make sure those around you are comfortable.  It is exhausting.  Most of all, it feels lonely and isolating,

Even when you know you are not alone and He is near, being “okay” is isolating.   So here I am.  Telling you, you are NOT alone.  That even when it is hard, open His Word, press play and lament like you have never lamented before. 

He hears.