Who Am I?

It’s crazy how many times I start to write but can’t finish.

Not because I don’t know what to say, but because the moment I start, the moment insecurity comes screaming in.

My life has felt so out of control for so long. And somehow I find a semblance of balance and I write and I’m like I am coming back…and then something happens and the cycle continues…I don’t prioritize the things that matter to me. I question, I doubt, I second guess…and before I can even pause long enough to take a breath and regroup, I’m lost in a cycle of insecurity and fear.

Sharing your life is never easy. What makes it harder is when there are things in your life that are so raw and the one place you want to share them…well it isn’t always yours to share.

I don’t know how to start in the mindset of this is what I’m going to write about or share…so instead I’m just writing.

It may all be rambles and have no complete sense of purpose but what it is…well, it’s better than not doing what you know you are supposed too.

Fear and insecurity have surrounded me for so long. Anxiety and stress are a constant weight. Most of all the suffering in the day to day has threatened to take so much of me because I have constantly chosen to back burn myself for the sake of peace, the sake of just wanting it all to stop and because I am more comfortable in letting myself be small.

I’m exhausted.

I have spent more time in the past year, at minimum, in and out of lupus flares. Putting myself and what I know I am called to do last in every situation and just feeling like I can’t get a grip on where to go next because what I do know is that next should be what I want and need but it turns into what those around me need and want.

So I write. Run on sentences…rambles of a person lost in a state of constant chaos…and a woman so deeply wanting to put herself first.

So I write. All of this. And I will post it because isn’t that the point? To take  complete step into something that matters to me without second guessing.

I don’t know who I am in the ways that make the things I think into complete sentences…

I am…married…a mom…a maw…a friend….

But aren’t these just titles? Escapes from the things that you want to proclaim?

I am also in the midst of trying to glue myself back together after over a year of some of the hardest freaking days..losing people who I deeply love because I was so lost in my life and the things around me…I couldn’t figure out how to fix a relationship.

I was so gassed and hurt by people who shouldn’t have done things that upended everyone around them and altered roles and moments that should have never had to be ruined.

I was stressed to the point of exhaustion that my body said hi, it’s me lupus and I have been fighting my own system so much I don’t know what it feels like to not be fighting.

And so I write. See, I told you ramblings.

But in finding who I am again, this is all I know to do. Purge, find a way to heal. To make hard choices and to remember that I matter in every equation and in the decisions I make.

Because being called didn’t mean it was easy. Being called didn’t mean it was all gonna fall into place. It just means to do.

So let’s see if I can find who I am. Because I lost her along this path of life and she deserves to be found.